Excessive Apologies: Strategies to End the Pattern

Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This approach will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.